A Rider’s Guide to Getting Laid on Valentine’s Day

Posted by: Dave Berry | Jan 28, 10

Valentine's Day is stupid, but if you have a girlfriend you already know that. I remember last year it was on a Saturday and my idiot girlfriend barred me from going riding that day because I "always come back drunk and act like an asshole," Fair enough, I do always come back drunk and act like an asshole because after a sick mid-February day on the hill it's hard not to be cockey around the flat-landers and teatotalers. Anyway, I had to take her out to this yuppie fish joint, buy her flowers, wear a collared shirt, and somehow act like I was enjoying myself. We broke up shortly after that.

However, if you don't have a raging bitch, I mean girlfriend, Valentine's Day offers a great opportunity; easy sex, but it's not like the ladies are just giving it away. You have to go and get it and I'll do my best to explain how even though I'm not exactly an expert.

*Author's note: The following article contains strategies intended for the sole purpose of getting you laid rather than watching porn AGAIN. Use this article only as a guideline. Every chick is different and some are far more slutty than others. Adjust your plan of attack accordingly.

Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday this year and the Super Bowl will have passed so you'd better just go ride. Trust me on this one. It is a lot easier to talk to girls when your tired. I know it seems like it doesn't make sense but look at it this way; since you'll be tired when you go out on your hunt when you get home you'll be a lot less likely to get all nervous and blow the deal. Also, you could potentially have a sick story about how you b/s 180 tail grabbed off a rock-shot over a gaper, under the chair at Keystone. If you didn't you can just make one up. Which brings me to my next point...

GO OUT! That Sunday thing is a real pain in the ass for those of us who work regular schedules so if you're like the rest of us working stiffs it's probably a good idea to stay close to home base. It should be pretty easy to find out who is there with who since all the couples will be sloppy drunk and all over each other. When you find a girl sitting alone at the bar, and you will, keep in mind that she's there for a reason and it's your duty to fufill her desire so don't act like a dumbass. Play it cool and tell her that story about how you b/s 180'd over a gaper...

Always, always, always put her on your tab, stupid. Chivalry will not die because chicks dig it, and some actually demand it. The ones that demand it are pretty trashy though because they think that they're the shit but really just smell like garbage and need the attention. Make sure to light her smokes for her, pull the door open and let her through, offer to drive her home or pay for the cab, and all the rest of that other crap that your mom tried to teach you when you were a kid. It's no guarantee but it does buy you points... as far as I can tell.

Get her drunk! Seriously dude, you've gotta get her drunk. I'm not talking about falling off the barstool drunk here, just enough to make her think that you look cute and your stories are interesting. She's already in a bar so most of the work has already been done for you by her and the bartender.

If she rides then try to get her back to your place to watch the new Mack Dawg flick or some other riding DVD that you have that she hasn't seen, which is actually pretty easy to do. You kids in the mountain towns already know this one works like a charm. If she doesn't then any other movie should do the trick. I call this closing the deal. Make sure to have booze at the house though. It doesn't matter what kind, unless she's one of those chicks that refuses to drink PBR, then you're hosed because she'll sober up and drive away.

The rest is on you and your shlong.

Shred Hard.

Dave Berry.